Where is the Prison?

        There seems to be a lot of interest in incarceration lately. Sunday’s newspaper had a lengthy article about the deplorable conditions in the Alabama prison system. Television is full of shows about prison lockup and life behind bars. There is even a show now about life in a women's prison. Orange may be the new black, but the men where I visit wear khaki.
        One thing is for sure, our country spends a lot of time and resources on the criminal justice system. It's sad that we spend so much money on reforming prisoners when we could be spending it on educating and training them before they become a problem. I guess that is why the Bible asks us to remember those in prison as if we were in prison with them. God knew we would always have prisoners who need help and the promise of hope.
         I have learned much since Matt's arrest and conviction, but one thing I am certain about: he was in prison even before he was arrested. His life was in a constant state of turmoil because of his addiction. He was afraid of everything. He couldn't sleep. He was unhappy. He had no purpose. His prison then did not have bars, but he was chained to a life of misery and hopelessness. It's no wonder that he tried to take his own life. He saw no other way out.
         I remember the words of one sweet little lady at church who was consoling me right before Matt's court appearance. With a determined voice and a stern pointed finger she reminded me that there are a lot more things worse than prison. Her words have proven to be true.
       God has protected Matt. He has given him wisdom. He has provided words of encouragement from family, friends, and church members. And most importantly, God has allowed him to come clean from a strong addiction even while behind the walls and fences of a maximum security prison.
        I don't know what tomorrow may bring but for now I choose to be
confident of this, "that He who began a good work in you (Matt) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
Thank you Lord for your promise.

Another Visit, Finally!

     I got to visit my son last weekend. It's been a year since we got to talk face to face. That's a long time for a momma not to get to hug her first born.

    The visit went well even though I had to be "patted down." The workers tell me every time things like that happen it is random, but I seem to be the random person every time. Wish I could have that much good luck in Vegas!

     There are many differences between a maximum security facility and a

medium. We can take our keys back and there are not as many locked gates to pass through, but some rules never change: always sign the form, bring you driver’s license, and prepare to WAIT!

    What I dislike the most is not knowing all the details. Should I leave my ID with the form? Will these earrings pass the metal detector?  Who goes first when we congregate outside before visitation starts. It reminds me of the first day of school with a new teacher. You know the school rules, but you’re not sure of the teacher's expectations.

     Some things do not change. Our time is spent buying every snack from the vending machine my son could possible consume. A friend once asked if we got to eat lunch with Matt. The answer is yes if you count a burger and fries warmed in a microwave as a meal. We usually let him do all the eating.

     We managed to get our picture taken this visit. I wanted a memento of

his long hair. He will not let anyone without barber training touch his hair. He still has a sense of pride even in prison. 

     Luckily my husband had a spare pair of shorts in the trunk this time.

He had worn khakis - a visitation no-no. Guess they were afraid he would be mistaken for an inmate.

     We were told we could not wait on the grounds until visiting hours.

That is a new rule at this location. At the maximum we might have to wait for hours if there were problems in the facility. And you could always count on an hour delay if you arrived between 9:30 and 10:00. The "count" started at 10 and everything shut down until it was over. We were told that here the visitors lined up in their cars just outside the gate and made a long caravan coming onto the grounds in order. We had just broken our first protocol, but no one faulted us this time.

      One thing I have learned to do is stay calm and be attentive. Most

things I have learned by simply watching. And I believe God gave me a gift for smiling. I smile a lot. It comes naturally with having a sense of humor. I've also learned that it's hard to be ugly to someone who smiles.

          

 

 

 

A Journal Entry from 2010

February 23, 2010

       I must write this before I forget. Matt had a court date today. I took off to go with him. Prayer has been sent up for this manchild for years but especially since the incidences of January 9, 2010. I have had a peace all along about his defense attorney. I knew he could not afford one and Joe and I did not have the money to pay for one, so he would be at the mercy of the court system. After listening to the message on Sunday I was more convinced than ever that God would work this out.

       Matt entered the court room and took a seat on the back row which is where the people go who do not have paid representation. He waited his turn and eased down the bench toward the magistrate who would assign an  attorney to the accused. I eased my way in and sat beside him.

     As he inched toward the woman who held his future in her hands, I still had a peace.  When it was his turn I could hear him whisper the details of his charges to the woman.  Apparently there had  been a mixup in the dates. This case had been grouped with the other robbery and possession charges. He explained how he had hoped to get this particular case dismissed. She said it would be in his best interest if one attorney handled all the cases and she would assign an attorney to him today. She commented about the seriousness of his charges and said she knew just the attorney he needed.

          As she was talking to Matt, an older, seasoned gentleman entered the courtroom. She immediately introduced him to Matt. She explained that these were some serious charges, to which the lawyer replied, "You know me, I handle serious cases all the time." He gave Matt his card and told him to call and set up an appointment.

         While Matt was signing the papers, I had a quick chance to ask the magistrate if he was a good attorney. Before I could explain she said, "You can pay all you want, but you will never find a better attorney. He is the best."  I asured her she was an answer to prayer and thanked her for the assignment.

          As we were leaving, we met her once again at the elevators. This time she introduced herself as Paula. She asked Matt to call her and make sure all the cases were together. I reminded her that she was an answer to prayer. I felt a wonderful moment of hope when she said, " I'll see you in court. We've got to get this boy straightened out."

        I don't know anything about the attorney, but just the fact that the magistrate would make a comment made me feel blessed. I could see God at work in that court room, with the magistrate and with the attorney. Joe said not to get too excited, keep an even keel, but he was not there to witness God at work. If I see glory,  I'm going to shout. Praise the Lord.

Another post by Joe

Whenever I talk to someone about my son in Federal Prison, I will usually end the conversation by saying, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”  This isn’t a pandering statement or a cliché - it comes from the heart. I feel for anyone who has suffered through a loved one's addiction.  The pain, embarrassment, and humiliation cannot be put into words.  In our case, it was exacerbated when Matt was shot and then arrested. Trying to function was like trying to walk thru a vat of wet concrete.  Every step required an effort.  People went out of their way to avoid us.  In the grocery store I actually saw someone I knew turn and walk in the opposite direction.  I don’t think they were being cruel, I just think they didn’t know what to say.  Conversely, the comments section on AL.com gave a lot of mindless people a chance to say some incredibly hurtful things about my son.  (Sometimes I wonder how the internet would look if we had to use our actual name and address when we posted on forums). One of the most difficult things I faced was trying to explain to my relatives why this happened.  They could not comprehend it.  Honestly, neither could I.  

The one place of refuge we had was our church.  It was especially comforting to be with people who were (and are) supportive, empathetic, and non judgmental.   I’m still amazed that the day after Matt was shot and arrested an impromptu prayer service was attended by at least 2/3 of our congregation.

You may not face addiction or imprisonment of a loved one, but I can promise you that you will face a crisis in your life.  Without question, my one piece of advice to anyone in this situation is to lean on your church family, and if you don't have one, get one.  I'm sure people survive life crises without prayer, unconditional acceptance, and spiritual support, but I for one wouldn't want to. 

Testing Positive

I would have thought that metal detectors were enough to stifle illegal activity on a visit to a federal prison, but was I wrong! After the embarrassment of having to remove my under wires, I found myself once again being questioned by the authorities. This time I was asked to show my right pocket to the officer who waved a small wand over my hip area. I knew something was wrong when the machine it was attached to began printing a long strip of paper. I was asked to sit in an area that was away from the other awaiting visitors.

              Normally, we are scanned and taken back in small groups of 4 or 5. We go through several checkpoints where doors are closed behind us before others are opened. My son and husband had already been taken back while I had been delayed by the metal detector. When I was separated from the group, I knew there were complications.

               The female guard informed me that I had tested positive for a substance used to make illegal drugs. My reaction was one of shock and disbelief. I was calm on the outside but on the inside I was screaming my thoughts:   "What! No way! I have a son in prison because of drugs! I HATE drugs! Why is this happening! I just want to hug my son!"

              Inside the prison, my husband was not so calm! He was screaming on the outside! He had no idea what was happening except he now had to visit his son behind glass with only 2 visitors at a time!

              I waited in the waiting room until my son came out so I could go in. I had plenty of time to think and pray. I still do not know why all the bad things happened to me that day, but I do know Who was in charge. It was a test of my character, a completion of the verse I was reminded of with the metal detectors: Romans 5: 3-4

                     "And not only this, but we also exult in our 

                      tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about 

                      perseverance; and perseverance, proven character;

                      and proven character, hope"

            When my son came out of his visit, I could see his puzzled look through the glass even before he entered the room. I couldn't control my emotions as I blurted out, “I tested positive for ecstasy!" After a good cry, I was able to laugh right along with all the other visitors in the waiting room!  Finally, with lessons learned for future visits, I was able to have a pleasant visit with my son even with the glass between us.

Matt Gets Money

Keeping a journal is not only therapeutic, it helps me remember things I most likely want to forget.  I  must admit I am not very good at it, maybe once a week if I am lucky. But even with that infrequency, I can still recall my emotions and reactions at the specific time of the entry. It’s a great way to look back and see God’s glory even through the darkest of situations.  In this simple journal entry from last year, I can still see promise and hope.

Aug. 5, 2013 Matt gets money

     Today I sent money to Matt. I had to send it to a fellow inmate because he is on restrictions. I would've have been hesitant several months ago but I understand the process now. The inmates have a network of friends that help them in certain situations.  Matt was caught holding contraband, just cigarettes, but still contraband.  The guard who caught him gave him one year without phone, visits or privileges in the commissary. The punishment was excessive and he has appealed. The appeal process takes a long time as well.

        I usually send money to someone outside the prison, or maybe to another inmate account. This money is used to purchase stamps. Stamps is the type of currency within the prison system. Inmates use stamps to purchase things that can't be bought through the commissary-- like moving up in the dental line or fresh fruit from the kitchen. I was skeptical at first, but I realized this is survival behind the walls.

       Matt is beginning to see how much support he has from his family. Some of the guys in there have no one - not a mom or sister or child -- no one. I pray for Matt every day and I think about him often.  It's a high price to pay for his actions, but only by the Grace of the good Lord is he there today. He could have been dead numerous times.  I hope I live to see what God has in store for the rest of his life.  

Another Perspective

This blog entry is written by my husband, Joe. I thought it might be interesting to have another perspective, since the entire family is affected by the actions of my son.

For almost 20 years I have talked with counselors, rehab clinics, group therapists, clergy, and law enforcement officials trying to help my son. Interestingly, all of the experts agree on a universal truth about drug addiction: there are only three possible outcomes.   No matter which path you or yours chooses, addiction leads to only three destinations.  You will clean up, you will go to prison, or you will die.  This is an absolute truth.  So in my daily prayers to God, I ask Him to steer my son to the best option:  sobriety.  Because he has been involved with the other two outcomes - he’s is in prison now, and nearly died before he got there.

Many people don’t know the entire story. Here goes:

On January 9, 2010   The phone rang at 11:45 PM.  Over the years, we have been conditioned to expect the worse from a late night call, but could not even imagine the horrors this one held. It was a nurse from UAB Medical Center telling us my son Matt had been shot at close range during a home invasion.  She told us our son was conscious; we even talked to him briefly.  He asked us to go to his house and lock the door before we came to the hospital. 

Nothing could prepare us for what we saw as I turned into his driveway. It was surreal.  A half dozen police cars parked in the front yard.  Blue lights flashing.  Yellow crime scene tape.  Detectives everywhere.  It looked like they were filming a crime movie,  Stunned, we just sat there staring.   Carol was unable to even get out of the car.  When I finally opened the door I was  approached by a detective. 

Without any specifics, he told  me my son was involved with some bad people and was in over his head.   Later I learned that as the police combed the home for clues to the attempted murder, they found evidence linking my son to two drug store robberies.  He didn’t take any money,  just prescription pain relievers.  Apparently word got out on the street that my son had made a large “score”.  So whoever came in the house was going to take the drugs and kill him.  He nearly succeeded.  The shooter had an AK 47 assault rifle pointed at his head.  The shooter was so close that my son grabbed the gun barrel as he was squeezing the trigger.  Instead of killing him instantly, the shot went thru his arm, shattered a bone, and then punctured his lung twice.  The surgeon informed us that from point blank range the velocity of the bullet was so great that if it hit him anywhere in the upper part of his body, the shock wave would have been fatal.   

I retrospect, I believe God took over on this January night.  It’s almost like He said to us, ”OK, you have been dealing with this for 20 years.  Enough!  I’m taking over from here. I will let our son face death.  I will imprison him. I will get his attention.”

Is it so different from Paul?  Paul was struck down, blinded.  He never knew if he would see again.  He had time to reflect.  God got his attention and his life was changed.   My hope is that the same thing is true of my son.  I believe the Lord has spared my son for a reason.  My prayer is that He uses him and his story as an instrument to help rescue others on the path to destruction.