That Small Inner Voice

Sometimes I hear a story that just touches my heart. I heard one yesterday.

    I ran into a friend at the local grocery store. She looked exhausted. When I asked where she had been, she sighed and said, “I have just driven to Daphne and back.” After further questions, she explained that she and a friend had driven the 350 miles down to the south Alabama town to get some much-needed personal items for another friend then turned around and drove back.  Apparently, the friend from Daphne had come up to Birmingham to attend to some business and have lunch with the two Birmingham friends. They were all retired and had previously worked together for many years. That working relationship had led to a strong friendship and the three met whenever possible.

     On the morning of the lunch date the Daphne friend had called to say he could not make it, he had slipped in the shower of his hotel and broken his hip. He was at the hospital awaiting surgery. His two Birmingham friends did not even hesitate. After checking on him with the hospital staff and the doctors, the two headed to his hotel room to pack up his things and clean it out. Then they traveled together to his home in Daphne to retrieve what he needed for an extended stay in a rehabilitation facility while his hip mended.

    The Daphne friend had lost all of his immediate family and he had no children of his own. His Birmingham friends had stepped in just when he needed them. They were there by the grace of God, to help him in his time of extreme need. What an awesome testimony to love and friendship.

    I often question what it looks like to love someone, friend or enemy. If we are called to Love one another, just what does that look like? If I disagree with the ideas of others and feel strongly about my beliefs, how do I show the unconditional love of a generous God. How do I use my actions for His glory? The simple answer is, I don’t! I have to let the Holy Spirit take over in the situation. I can only let God work in me and through me supernaturally.

    If I listen to my inner thoughts, I am often amazed at what the Holy Spirt says to me. It’s not a loud voice from heaven, it’s not fire coming down from the sky. It is often a simple unexpected thought that pops in my head at the most inopportune moments, a thought that makes me say, “Where did that come from?”

   Recently I was questioning why God would allow a young woman whom I watched grow up and have children of her own make a conscious decision to change her sexual identity. I knew she was a true believer that Jesus was the Son of God who rose from the dead. I was there at her confession of faith that Jesus had died for all our sins, so why was she making this decision. That small little voice said this to me, “Just let me be the judge.  You know she is a believer, so maybe I have chosen her to meet others like her and tell them about my grace and mercy, to tell them about Jesus Christ. Who better than her to reach those like her because …..You sure aren’t going to try and reach them.”

    I was shocked! But it was true. That inner voice had just given me a slap in the face. Somehow, I felt a peace about me that was calming. I felt a release that I cannot explain knowing that I am not in charge of the salvation of others. My charge is to share my story of God’s grace as it applies to me, not judge the behavior of others. As an older believer, I can lead them and guide them in the truth but I must do so with compassion and calmness and direction from the Holy Spirit, guidance in Spirit and Truth. That, my friend, is true love and friendship.

   When my son was living at home awaiting his prison sentence, he developed MERSA from an infection. I remember thinking and praying that the authorities would show mercy and lighten his sentence since he could be a health risk. In the midst of my morning quiet time I heard that small voice say, “I’m going to protect Matt, you let me worry about the How!”  And the God who is Faithful and True did just that during his entire prison stay.

    A small voice, inaudible to the outside world but spoken loudly to my inner spirit. It resonates both in my head and in my heart.  It reassures and affirms. It comforts and convinces. It speaks the Truth and beckons me to listen. It has changed my life in so many ways. It continually forces me to relook at situations and see the good in people.

   Without a doubt those Birmingham friends heard a small voice telling them to go help a friend in need. That small voice is what directs us on when and how to love. So, the next time I face a difficult situation or a test of my patience and understanding, I pray that I can listen to that small voice and let God show me what to do. I pray I will continue to let Him handle the How!

Why I Write my Blog

   It has been some time since my last post. I thought that maybe no one would want to hear about life after prison, that life would be boring and routine.  I would love to say that Matt came home, found a job, started a family and beat the odds to live happily ever after, but life doesn’t work that way. That’s what I dislike about so many televangelists. They paint an unreal picture of reality for Christians. Heck, for anybody if you get right down to it. The only difference Christians have is the hope in an eternal life with Jesus Christ.  I want everyone to realize that life is tough even in the best of circumstances, so I post again.

   Yes, Matt survived the seven years in a federal prison. Yes, he has a safe place to stay at home with his family. Yes, he has a job with all the medical benefits. He has even begun to get dental work done, a blessing since he didn’t lose any teeth during his incarceration. But there are still issues, more like an adjustment to real life. His sobriety came during his jail term. His dad and I had sent him to many recovery programs, some local and some out of state, but his actual time to become clean was during his stay in prison.

   I’m sure it was not an easy accomplishment since he has said almost any drug was available in the Yard. But sobriety does not bring maturity. There was such a span of years from his dependency to his sobriety that he missed so many years of emotional development. He had been using some type of drug from the age of 14 and he just turned 39. I feel like I am teaching life skills to a grown man who thinks he can handle things on his own, who gets frustrated with the simple things, who is accustomed to a world of structure when my world is full of constant change with flexible adjustments.  Life is not easy.

    When I first started my blog, I wrote for two reasons:  my sanity and a desire to help others who were in similar situations.  I wanted to inform parents about what to expect on a first visit to a penitentiary. I wanted to let them know just what to wear and what to say. I had no one to answer my questions, no one to confide in, no one to give me suggestions or directions on what to do, so I wanted to be as transparent as I could about my feeling and my thoughts about having a child in prison. But God had a different plan for my blog.

    Each time I wrote I could feel the Holy Spirit directing my words. Thoughts would appear at the strangest times, at 3 in the morning, on a walk with my dog, in my car at rush hour. I never knew when I would feel a prompting to pen my views on the penal system or the effects of drug addiction on the family unit. One thing I felt for certain was that God was directing my brainwaves as I sat at the computer. What started as a simple How-to Manual for Visiting Prison became an instrument for sharing God’s glory at one of the darkest times of my life.

    So, I am still writing. I still feel the need to share my feeling from the heart.  To those who have dealt with addiction, my words are too familiar. To those who have never felt the fear and the uncertainty of the next event in the life of an addict, count your blessings.  I’ve learned to embrace the words of the Serenity Prayer. I have learned to work on the things I can change, like my attitude and my anger. It’s only through repeated tries and failures that I have found a way to accept the things I cannot change, and I trust in the Lord to give me the wisdom to know the difference.

Christmas Joy!

      I am giddy about Christmas this year! I have no Christmas tree up, there are no presents wrapped, and most things have not even been ordered; but I feel an overwhelming joy this Christmas! I think it began on the Sunday after Thanksgiving when our minister asked the congregation to write down three things we were thankful for every day. She called it The 30 Day Challenge. What a wonderful exercise in self-reflection.

       As I begin to write I thought first of the obvious...my family, my church, my granddaughter. Our challenge was not to repeat what we were thankful for but to expand and observe how our list was woven together and connected to each other. We needed to start looking at the why and how of our thankfulness and not just make a list.

      When I was a child, I saw Christmas as a time to get things I had wished for throughout the year...that special toy, that new dress. As an adult I saw Christmas as a time to make up for things that we needed but had not gotten during the year... that new refrigerator, that microwave oven. Christmas is not about wants and needs. It's about love and giving. It's about thanksgiving. I feel that more than ever this Christmas!
       A few weeks back I received a message from a friend. She needed toys for her children this Christmas but had no idea where she would get them. I knew I could help a little but I couldn't provide the whole Christmas so I just began to pray. The very next day another friend asked if I knew anyone that needed help. I knew without a doubt God had heard my prayers. I was thankful to be an instrument of His love! What an awesome feeling of joy!
       Recently I attended a memorial service of a friend who had become very ill in the last few months. Rather than mourn his passing, his wife chose to celebrate his life with thanksgiving. It was only within the last few years that her husband had accepted Christ as his savior, something she had been praying about for over 40 years. Another awesome feeling of joy this Christmas!
       Yes, this is the first time I will have my family together in many years. No prison visit over the holidays, Matt will be joining us for Christmas dinner. Praise the Lord! But this season I seem to feel the blessings all around me. My joy is renewed each time I hear a story of hope or witness an act of love or thanksgiving.  And just to make sure I continue to feel the joy inside, God sent the most beautiful blanket of snow on an unexpected Friday in December! What an awesome feeling of joy! Merry Christmas, everyone!

Homecoming - Some Are Not So Happy

Only 17 more days until my son comes home. Seven years is a long time to sit and think about past mistakes. I guess that's why they call it "doing time," sort of an Adult Time-Out.  

It is my prayer that Matt has forgiven himself and asked God's forgiveness for his actions. I believe he has simply because he has a hope for the future. He's excited to be starting a real job and making a new life. I only hope he is patient enough to wait on directions from the Lord. He realizes how much of his life he has wasted and he's anxious to get it going on the right track. 

My son is one of the lucky ones. He's coming home to a loving family and a tremendous church family who has supported him through this whole ordeal. He has been blessed in so many ways. That is why I decided to write this blog. I wanted to share what God has done for me in the middle of such horrific circumstances. I wanted to send a word of encouragement to others in unimaginable situations.

Some prisoners are not so lucky. I want to share a recent  Facebook post from a friend of mine. I hope you read it. We need more Angels like her out there. After all, Jesus Christ asked us to be His hands and feet in the world we live in. Thank you, Jeanie Thomas Emblom, for your compassion and your actions. God Bless you!

So, I ran into my little man again at the Winn Dixie. The one that I got advil last time for because he was in pain. Seems , we have a relationship of few words and straight to the point. I stopped  (hesitating because I had so much to do and didn't want to be late to work.) I said "what do you need?" He said "I'm Hongry"(his pronunciation). I said "what do you want? "  "I don't care , I'm hongry". I was in a hurry, so I took a chance and gave him enough money to go to McDonald's and watched him slowly walk over there. As I was in Winn Dixie rushing around , I started thinking about how McDonald's was not very nutritious,  so I quickly  grabbed 3 bananas, some grapes, gatorade,  some chips and a brownie and ran to the checkout. Upon leaving the store, I circled McDonald's to see if I could find him and spotted him walking down a side road, burger in one hand and drink in the other and chased him down to give him his healthier food for later. When he saw me. He said" yous going to give me a ride? " Against my better judgement, I told him to hop in and drove him 5 miles to near his brothers house, where he stays. On the ride, I found out that his name was Joe and that he had just gotten out of prison after serving 22 years. I didn't ask him what he did to get himself into that mess, I don't want to know.  He had walked to the WD shopping Center to try to get a job. He has no social security, 19 dollars a week in food stamps and says his brother has more rules than prison. But he is confident that somehow he is going to get a break. He really , really wants any kind of job. Broke my heart and I cried all the home. 

Please pray for Joe. He made a very bad mistake over 20 years ago and really has not much hope. He's not young at all, probably in his sixties. So , if you see him at the Winn Dixie southside, be generous. He wears black glasses, skinny as a rail, and has something wrong with one of his eyes.

Pray that he finds an honest way to make a little money.  He's strong because he walks miles and miles every day.

Retirement Worries

      I love it when God just hits you over the head with a message. It doesn’t happen often but when it does you know it!

      Last Friday I received such a message. I have been struggling with the thought of retiring. Change is always a scary thing. Like the old adage says, “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know.”

      I had a conversation during my break time that could have made me uncomfortable and very nervous. Under other circumstances I could have taken the words as a personal attack. They were brief and factual and true. Instead that quiet voice in my mind, said “shut up and listen.” And I did just that.

     A feeling of peace immediately came over me as I began to listen with a new perspective. I let the words fall on my ears and my heart as if they were coming from God himself. And indeed they were.

I have been fearful of what will come with my son’s release from prison.  It is overwhelming to ponder all the possibilities, both positive and negative.  All the thoughts combined with my uncertainty about retirement have left me with many restless nights and sleepy days. Friday calmed countless fears.

     I can say with certainty that I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know if I can live on a retirement budget. I don’t know if I will be bored or busy or burdened, but I do know it is time. It’s time to cast my fears on the Lord. It’s time to trust Him with my next move. It’s time to let go of this phase of my life and move on to the next.

     I have been through seasons of change before- a new career, a new baby, the death of my parents- and I’ve made it through each phase with the ability to smile and look back with a sense of peace. This phase feels a little different, though. There is the underlying fear that retirement is the end of being a productive adult – that nothing can be accomplished or achieved in those years between work and “the inevitable.”

    Matt is concerned about starting a new life at 38, and I encourage him with optimistic scenarios.  J.R.R. Tolkien wrote the first book of Lord of the Rings at 62.  Noah Webster published his first dictionary at 66. John Glenn traveled into space at 77. Even I returned to school at 36 and started a teaching career at 46.  Now I just need to be a living example for him to follow.

     I read an article recently by a Dan Waldschmidt entitled, “You’re Never Too Old to do Something Amazing.” In the article he lists a notable achievement from different people beginning with age 1 up to age 100. Waldschmidt goes on to say “the secret to getting what you want from life is understanding that what you do right now drives your future. You can put off doing what is important, or you can start working on it right now. It’s never too late to do something amazing. It’s never too early to start trying.”

        I think I will take his advice. 

There Can Be a Happily Ever After

            When we go through a season of uncertainty and conflict, we tend to forget the good memories and focus on the negative ones. Most of my adult memories seem to center around dealing with Matt and the effects on our family. But every once in a while a memory will creep in of a day long past. 
            Yesterday I stopped by the old Krispy Kreme in East Lake. I had purchased a fundraising ticket from a former student or otherwise I probably never would have ventured there. As I traveled down first avenue, I was shocked at how desolated and run down the area had become. It was almost unrecognizable to me. East Lake Auto was gone, the vacuum cleaner place was gone. Joe and I had our first real "date" meal at Carnaggio's which was just up from El Palacio's, a favorite Friday night meal spot with Joe's mom and dad. They were both gone.
           As I pulled through the updated drive-thru, I had one of those memories that seem so real you can almost hear sounds and smell scents from the recollection. I looked over to the deserted parking lot that had belonged to a Hill's grocery store in 1958. We would often purchase our weekly groceries there while we waited on my Dad to meet us from his job at Hayes Aircraft. We only had one automobile so he most likely had someone drop him off there. 
           For one brief moment I felt like a time traveler. I could remember riding in a buggy inside the store. I remember faintly the music in the background. I could see the older girls pushing miniature sized carts alongside their mommies. There was an echo from the voices of customers and workers bouncing off the high ceiling and the linoleum tile floor.
           My favorite part was looking at the Little Golden books. There was no toy section and even if there had been, we knew not to ask for anything. Money was scarce and we used it to purchase necessities. Occasionally I was allowed to select one Golden Book. I guess it was considered a need since it was educational. With a blink I found myself in the parking lot waiting for Daddy, turning the pages of my book, and learning about living "happily ever after." 
          As I returned to 2016, I realized how momentary time can be. I can look back. If only I could have seen forward from that same spot. Would I change anything? Could I have prevented Matt from going to prison?
         The answer to that is No. God is in control. I have to keep a positive attitude when everything surrounding me is negative. Romans 8:28 tells us that all things work for the good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. That gives me Hope! I know without a doubt, that trials will come in this world, but I do not have to go through them alone. Just like the stories in my little Golden Book, I have to remind myself that there is a purpose for my suffering and with Christ Jesus I can truly have a Happily Ever After, even if it’s not in this life.

Fear Not

        With another Easter on the books, I find myself thinking about what I will be facing when Matt does come home. I'll be almost ready to retire with an adult child moving back in my house. There is always the possibility that he will find a job where he does his time in the halfway house, but that may also be close to home. 
           There are many things to get anxious about. Will he be able to find work? Can he move on independently with his life? Will I have to help retrain a man/child when I didn't do such a good job the first time around? 

            One thing I don't want to think about is the possibility of relapse. From what I've read, there is an extremely high rate of recidivism with the prison population. According to the National Institute for Justice, "Recidivism is one of the most fundamental concepts in criminal justice. It refers to a person's relapse into criminal behavior, often after the person receives sanctions or undergoes intervention for a previous crime. Recidivism is measured by criminal acts that resulted in rearrests, reconviction or return to prison with or without a new sentence during a three-year period following the prisoner's release." It's a scary fact to consider when the statistics say 76.8 % of released prisoners are rearrested before their third year anniversary of freedom. 
            When I think of how many times I've tried to lose weight without success or how many resolutions I've broken, it's impossible to have a peace in knowing he could be another statistic. AND YET I AM STILL HOPEFUL. I once took a quick study in discerning my God-given Spiritual gifts. Not our talents that we are born with, but the gifts God gives to believers to serve the Kingdom. My survey showed my greatest gift was faith. What kind of gift is that? Don't all believers have faith? 
            As I travel this journey called life, I am becoming more aware of just what having the gift of faith means. I find myself accepting things that many people search for years trying to find an answer. I often trust the Lord without even questioning why or how.

I remember a particular worrisome time when I first learned Matt would be serving his first year in a Federal maximum security prison. My mind became focused on the negative and the possibilities of what could happen to my son in prison. After a few weeks of being anxious and scared, I took to my knees in prayer. That little voice I heard in my head said, “I’m going to take care of Matt, you let me worry about the HOW.” From that point onward, I have tried to remain positive and let the Lord handle it. I have tried to remember all the times the Holy Bible says “Fear Not!” It sure helps me sleep better.

 I will continue to pray for Matt. I do not think his life has been spared so many times from sheer coincidence. He has a purpose, as we all do. My prayer now is that Matt will be reminded that the Lord has protected Him this far and He will protect him in the tough times ahead. I hope he, too, hears the tiny little voice that says “Fear Not, Matt.  I’m God. I got your back!”

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10