Whom Shall I Fear?

         Those who know me know I do not like surprises.  I used to secretly unwrap all my Christmas presents. But life with an addict is always uncertain, always a surprise. In a way, living with a drug addict is like playing with a jack-in-a-box. You know he is going to jump out at the end of the song, you're just not sure which turn of the crank will be the last one.  My son would be positive and pleasant for a few weeks. He might even work a job and carry on normal actives. We would even start thinking that he was heading in the right direction and then... Surprise! Out comes the jack-in-the-box!

         We never knew when or where it might happen. Once we were having dinner with friends, when the phone rang during desert. I knew there was trouble even before the host handed me the receiver. The crank had been turning. Another arrest and the mood switched from silly to somber in seconds.

               After several surprises, we learned never to let our guard down. I always watched and waited for the surprise. Sometimes they came with a little forewarning, kind of like a premonition or feeling. Once when my youngest son was playing an important football game his senior year, I noticed paramedics scanning the crowd. I knew they were looking for me even before they approached my seat. My grandmother had called 911 after my son had attempted to take his own life. He had run into the woods behind our house, bleeding profusely, and the authorities needed to notify us.

               All the surprises were controlling my life. I was living from surprise to surprise.  I was becoming afraid of the jack-in-the-box. I knew I hated the surprises, but they were consuming my thoughts. They were directing my actions.

               It was in the middle of a Bible study on strongholds that I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit. The author defined a stronghold as anything that keeps us from being what God wants us to be.  I had checked off my list each week – no addiction, no insecurity, no obsessions. It was about the fourth week that I opened my lesson and there on the page was my stronghold—FEAR. Those surprises had become a stronghold because they represented my fear of the uncertainty of what might happen next. I was afraid and I needed help.

           Through my study I learned a lot about my stronghold. I began to see fear as the opposite of faith. I finally learned to cope with the surprises by letting go of the fear. It was not an easy task and I could not have done it without the help of the Holy Spirit. I found Bible verses that reassured my faith, like Psalms 23:4,” Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me,” and Isaiah 41: 10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.”  But perhaps the best one was a verse that used the word stronghold in the interpretation that I read:

Psalms 27: 1 (NIV) The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?

               Controlling my fear impulse is a daily struggle, any stronghold is. I read somewhere that the Bible say "fear not" some 350 times. God must have wanted us to listen if he mentioned it that many times. That is almost one for every day of the year. Coincidence? I think not.