As the court
date drew closer, Matt became more anxious. He still insisted he was not going
to Prison. I knew the inevitable but what I didn’t realize was that he meant he
would do whatever it took to stay out of prison, even if that meant suicide.
The court
allowed Matt to go to a group meeting like Celebrate Recovery, a Christian based
12 step recovery group. In fact, they
actually encouraged it. We tried to go as a family. We would all listen to the
speakers and participate in the worship service, but only Joe and I would
attend the small group sessions. Matt called them a “trigger”, which meant that
would trigger off his desire to use drugs. So, we would let him refrain from
attending and go outside and smoke. That
may have been a mistake, because somehow, Matt still had access to drugs.
One meeting,
I recall, we were just about to leave when Matt remembered he had left
something in his room. He wouldn’t say what but he ran inside. For some reason,
I believe a prompting of the Holy Spirit, Joe followed him into the house. As
Joe passed by his bedroom door, he saw Matt “shooting up” before the meeting.
All Hell broke loose, but we went on to the meeting. What else could be done?
We needed help now more than ever.
Parents who
have been in this situation can relate. So many thoughts run through the brain.
If I tell his probation officer, he will certainly go to jail and it would be
my fault. Why doesn’t the drug tests
show up positive? Where is he getting the stuff? Am I not watching closely
enough? Help me! Help Matt! Just Help!
Joe and I
had a special company trip planned the end of September, so now the case was
entering nine months. We debated whether or not to go but the brothers
volunteered to keep an eye on Matt. I remember
the event well, because Matt was called for a drug test on the Monday we got
back.
Earlier in
the week before the trip, I had received a message from the secretary at school
to come straight home after dismissal. Matt’s probation officer was at the
house. When I got home, I found Justin in the living room talking to Matt.
Evidently Matt had called him expressing his fear of going to prison and Justin
was very concerned with Matt’s mental state. He, too, was afraid Matt might
harm himself. We both talked him through the episode, but Justin was still
concerned. Matt agreed to go to the psychiatrist. Justin did not want us to go
on the work trip, but he did understand we had a commitment and agreed on
having his brothers watch him closely.
I should have
suspected something since Matt’s color came up that week and again on Monday.
Prisoners are given a color and must call in each day to check to see if their
color is up. If it is their color, they have to come in for a drug test that
day. Matt’s color came up on Thursday
before we left, and again on Monday.
What I did
not know was that Justin had talked to Joe. He felt like Matt was at a serious
point where he might take his own life. They both agreed he did not need to be
left alone during the day while I worked. He might do something drastic. The
only thing that could be done was to bring him in to jail so that he could be
put on a suicide watch.
Joe agreed
to bring Matt in before work to have a drug test. From there he would be
apprehended and taken to the county jail. Neither Matt nor I knew what was
about to happen. So, on that late September morning I would say goodbye to my
son, not knowing it would be the last time I would hug him until after his
sentencing several months later.
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