Retirement Worries

      I love it when God just hits you over the head with a message. It doesn’t happen often but when it does you know it!

      Last Friday I received such a message. I have been struggling with the thought of retiring. Change is always a scary thing. Like the old adage says, “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know.”

      I had a conversation during my break time that could have made me uncomfortable and very nervous. Under other circumstances I could have taken the words as a personal attack. They were brief and factual and true. Instead that quiet voice in my mind, said “shut up and listen.” And I did just that.

     A feeling of peace immediately came over me as I began to listen with a new perspective. I let the words fall on my ears and my heart as if they were coming from God himself. And indeed they were.

I have been fearful of what will come with my son’s release from prison.  It is overwhelming to ponder all the possibilities, both positive and negative.  All the thoughts combined with my uncertainty about retirement have left me with many restless nights and sleepy days. Friday calmed countless fears.

     I can say with certainty that I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know if I can live on a retirement budget. I don’t know if I will be bored or busy or burdened, but I do know it is time. It’s time to cast my fears on the Lord. It’s time to trust Him with my next move. It’s time to let go of this phase of my life and move on to the next.

     I have been through seasons of change before- a new career, a new baby, the death of my parents- and I’ve made it through each phase with the ability to smile and look back with a sense of peace. This phase feels a little different, though. There is the underlying fear that retirement is the end of being a productive adult – that nothing can be accomplished or achieved in those years between work and “the inevitable.”

    Matt is concerned about starting a new life at 38, and I encourage him with optimistic scenarios.  J.R.R. Tolkien wrote the first book of Lord of the Rings at 62.  Noah Webster published his first dictionary at 66. John Glenn traveled into space at 77. Even I returned to school at 36 and started a teaching career at 46.  Now I just need to be a living example for him to follow.

     I read an article recently by a Dan Waldschmidt entitled, “You’re Never Too Old to do Something Amazing.” In the article he lists a notable achievement from different people beginning with age 1 up to age 100. Waldschmidt goes on to say “the secret to getting what you want from life is understanding that what you do right now drives your future. You can put off doing what is important, or you can start working on it right now. It’s never too late to do something amazing. It’s never too early to start trying.”

        I think I will take his advice. 

There Can Be a Happily Ever After

            When we go through a season of uncertainty and conflict, we tend to forget the good memories and focus on the negative ones. Most of my adult memories seem to center around dealing with Matt and the effects on our family. But every once in a while a memory will creep in of a day long past. 
            Yesterday I stopped by the old Krispy Kreme in East Lake. I had purchased a fundraising ticket from a former student or otherwise I probably never would have ventured there. As I traveled down first avenue, I was shocked at how desolated and run down the area had become. It was almost unrecognizable to me. East Lake Auto was gone, the vacuum cleaner place was gone. Joe and I had our first real "date" meal at Carnaggio's which was just up from El Palacio's, a favorite Friday night meal spot with Joe's mom and dad. They were both gone.
           As I pulled through the updated drive-thru, I had one of those memories that seem so real you can almost hear sounds and smell scents from the recollection. I looked over to the deserted parking lot that had belonged to a Hill's grocery store in 1958. We would often purchase our weekly groceries there while we waited on my Dad to meet us from his job at Hayes Aircraft. We only had one automobile so he most likely had someone drop him off there. 
           For one brief moment I felt like a time traveler. I could remember riding in a buggy inside the store. I remember faintly the music in the background. I could see the older girls pushing miniature sized carts alongside their mommies. There was an echo from the voices of customers and workers bouncing off the high ceiling and the linoleum tile floor.
           My favorite part was looking at the Little Golden books. There was no toy section and even if there had been, we knew not to ask for anything. Money was scarce and we used it to purchase necessities. Occasionally I was allowed to select one Golden Book. I guess it was considered a need since it was educational. With a blink I found myself in the parking lot waiting for Daddy, turning the pages of my book, and learning about living "happily ever after." 
          As I returned to 2016, I realized how momentary time can be. I can look back. If only I could have seen forward from that same spot. Would I change anything? Could I have prevented Matt from going to prison?
         The answer to that is No. God is in control. I have to keep a positive attitude when everything surrounding me is negative. Romans 8:28 tells us that all things work for the good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. That gives me Hope! I know without a doubt, that trials will come in this world, but I do not have to go through them alone. Just like the stories in my little Golden Book, I have to remind myself that there is a purpose for my suffering and with Christ Jesus I can truly have a Happily Ever After, even if it’s not in this life.

Fear Not

        With another Easter on the books, I find myself thinking about what I will be facing when Matt does come home. I'll be almost ready to retire with an adult child moving back in my house. There is always the possibility that he will find a job where he does his time in the halfway house, but that may also be close to home. 
           There are many things to get anxious about. Will he be able to find work? Can he move on independently with his life? Will I have to help retrain a man/child when I didn't do such a good job the first time around? 

            One thing I don't want to think about is the possibility of relapse. From what I've read, there is an extremely high rate of recidivism with the prison population. According to the National Institute for Justice, "Recidivism is one of the most fundamental concepts in criminal justice. It refers to a person's relapse into criminal behavior, often after the person receives sanctions or undergoes intervention for a previous crime. Recidivism is measured by criminal acts that resulted in rearrests, reconviction or return to prison with or without a new sentence during a three-year period following the prisoner's release." It's a scary fact to consider when the statistics say 76.8 % of released prisoners are rearrested before their third year anniversary of freedom. 
            When I think of how many times I've tried to lose weight without success or how many resolutions I've broken, it's impossible to have a peace in knowing he could be another statistic. AND YET I AM STILL HOPEFUL. I once took a quick study in discerning my God-given Spiritual gifts. Not our talents that we are born with, but the gifts God gives to believers to serve the Kingdom. My survey showed my greatest gift was faith. What kind of gift is that? Don't all believers have faith? 
            As I travel this journey called life, I am becoming more aware of just what having the gift of faith means. I find myself accepting things that many people search for years trying to find an answer. I often trust the Lord without even questioning why or how.

I remember a particular worrisome time when I first learned Matt would be serving his first year in a Federal maximum security prison. My mind became focused on the negative and the possibilities of what could happen to my son in prison. After a few weeks of being anxious and scared, I took to my knees in prayer. That little voice I heard in my head said, “I’m going to take care of Matt, you let me worry about the HOW.” From that point onward, I have tried to remain positive and let the Lord handle it. I have tried to remember all the times the Holy Bible says “Fear Not!” It sure helps me sleep better.

 I will continue to pray for Matt. I do not think his life has been spared so many times from sheer coincidence. He has a purpose, as we all do. My prayer now is that Matt will be reminded that the Lord has protected Him this far and He will protect him in the tough times ahead. I hope he, too, hears the tiny little voice that says “Fear Not, Matt.  I’m God. I got your back!”

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

We ALL Have a Story

     Well, another Christmas has come and gone without Matt.  It's comforting to know that we should only have one more before we can celebrate the birth of Christ together.

     While I was cleaning up after the holiday, I ran across a book I haven't seen in quite some time. The title is Lessons from San Quinton by Bill Dallas and, yes, the author had been in prison. But it's really more than that. To me it was a book of hope. The author recounts life lessons he learned while incarcerated.

      I have been asking Matt to write about his experiences. He says he's a little preoccupied. I guess that's understandable since he has to watch his back 24/7.  Still, I can see the changes in his life and I wanted him to share them with others. I so want him to let others know how prayers have brought him through this, how God has had his back in every challenging situation, how his family and his church family have been with him through this whole ordeal. I guess they'll be time for that later. For now, I will have to be content to share my feelings on my blog. After all, this is my story.

     My story is also one of hope, not just for Matt but for my other sons and for anyone. In the years of counseling and therapy with Matt, I have heard numerous stories of redemption from unthinkable circumstances. I would rarely attend a group session without leaving in tears. I couldn't talk,

much less share my feelings. I had been a “scaredy cat” most of my life. I had not used drugs. I followed a pretty straight path with a few slips along the way.  I felt like my story was not important.

     But I was wrong! We all have a story to tell. We all can tell about hope. It just happens that my hope comes from a savior named Jesus. My story is about a mom who tried to do things the right way. She stayed home to raise her family. She took them to church every Sunday and taught them right from wrong. And she STILL had a wayward son who went to prison. Along the way she learned that all things happen for a reason, that bad things happen to all people. She learned that God is in control. She learned about hope in Jesus Christ and she learned she did have a story to tell. 

     I guess I can take my own suggestions that I gave to Matt. I can let others know how prayers have brought me through this, how God has had my back in every challenging situation, how my family and my church family have been there for me during this whole ordeal. I can tell MY story. What is YOUR story?

No Internet in Prison

      Most people think that prisoners have access to modern amenities while in prison, like Internet, education, even work. That is far from the truth.  My son just recently moved to a two person cell. Before that he shared a 6 by 12 room with 2 other inmates.  I cannot even imagine his living conditions.  He said they managed to work out a system to give each one some privacy for bathroom use, but if the urge came during the middle of the night they had to make the best of the situation.  They are locked in at 9 and remain locked in until 5 the next morning.  At my age nature calls at least two times a night, so I guess I would wake everyone.
      During the day the prisoners can travel to different places. They can visit the library, the yard for exercise, the mess hall, or return to their cells. They remain in the selected area for 1 hour until they are allowed to change locations.  Matt described the environment as "high school on steroids." The inmates are usually loud, picking at each other, and watching their surroundings 24/7.  I was complaining about how loud my school lunch time was with 100 second graders  and he told me to multiply that by 10 and imagine it all day long. I got a headache just thinking about it.
       The library does have a few books. Most are donated from inmates who leave and give their personal collection to the media center.  Matt does not have Internet access, which makes it extremely hard to do his school work.  His dad and I have paid for him to go to college while in prison.  He attends the Ohio University's College for the Incarcerated. The college is accredited and all courses are 100% correspondence.  He reads his lessons then takes a quiz under the supervision of a prison official. He asked if it was an official college and his dad said it better be since we just paid $1500 for a course! With typical Hobby humor, Joe said he wanted a bumper sticker that read "My money and my convict go to Ohio University!"
        Matt can receive email but only through a specific website that is monitored by the prison.  He has to send a request and the person on the outside responds. His email are not free but they are cheaper than phone calls.  Phone calls are made direct and charged through his account with the Federal Board of Prisons.
        Some prisons do offer jobs where prisoners can earn a small amount of money, but Matt has not been able to get a job at any place where he has been.  There is a system of priorities and those who have been there the longest are the first to qualify.  With prison overcrowding, jobs are difficult to acquire.
         I have learned quite a bit about our Federal prison system during this journey. I know we pay way too much for a system that really doesn't reform the way it should. I guess that's why the Bible tells us in Hebrews 13:3 to " Continue to remember those in prison as if you were in prison with them." I never thought much about that verse until it became a part of my life. The only one who can truly reform is the Lord Jesus Christ. Please pray for all prisoners.

Happy Birthday, Matt!

   Today is my son's birthday and I'm feeling guilty about not being there for a visit. Since he has been in prison his birthday has not fallen on a visiting day. We just visited him two weeks ago and I guess I thought I would've been swamped with first of school responsibilities, so I did not make plans.

   I've done all the birthday festivities a long-distance mom can do: text, phone call, presents (money in his account). I just feel bad that I'm not there for a hug. We can't get a cake, but we could celebrate with a honey bun and a Coke.

   I know he will get cards from his church family, but mine will be late. No one realizes how hard it is to pick the right card for a guy in prison. One friend shared her birthday card dilemma with me, complete with pictures.

Can’t Celebrate

Can’t enjoy the good things in life!

Can’t enjoy something good to eat!

I just pray that he can count his many blessings on this day! I know I can find a card that says that.

                         HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MATT!

Why I Go to Church

     Recently I received a strange request from my son. With limited interaction with the free world, he has begun to notice God in action in his prison surroundings. I see this as a major step in his rehabilitation. He presented me with a strange question from a fellow inmate. Apparently, in describing his family to his work-out buddy, he mentioned our church. The inmate asked Matt to inquire as to why I go to church. After some deep consideration and self-reflection, I came to the following summation for answers to his question. My email read as follows:

Dear Matt,

Tell your buddy there are several reasons I go to church. The first is a commandment from God: Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. I do not believe that it has to be a Sunday, but I do believe that we are called to worship The Lord. Worship is a way to show God the respect we have for him. It's all about God and not about us.

I also believe there are scriptures that encourage corporate worship, By corporate worship I mean going to church with other Christians. Colossians 3:16 says" Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God."

We are to encourage fellow Christians and where better to do that than at church. Hebrews 10:25 "Not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."

There are many other verses. Hebrews 12:28-29 “Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire”.  Matthew 18:20 says, “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”

The book of Acts talks about the church in the early days. After Pentecost and the Holy Spirit coming down, early Christians met together to encourage one another. It talks about the different spiritual gifts given to each person by God. They are supposed to work together to be the Body of Christ. You can't do that staying at home away from other believers.

This is just a few, but I hope you can see my point. Plus, your Dad and I would have had a much harder time with your trials if it had not been for our church. 

Love you bunches, Mom!

      Prison is a strange place in many aspects. My son has survived because he is quiet, smart, and stands over six feet five inches tall. He has learned to watch his steps and always consider the possibilities of what could happen. He has had to defend himself once which cost him several days in the SHU, Special Housing Unit.

When I asked him why he did not attend church at the prison, he was very clear. He did not want to associate with any specific group. Due to our Christian nature of forgiving and loving others, those who cannot fit in with any prison group find themselves welcome in the Christian community.  To some this can be perceived as a weakness, and being weak is not a positive trait in the prison population.

     Whether he attends a corporate worship service or not, I can tell by his words and actions that he feels the presence of the Lord. Why else would he even bother to ask me about church?  I know one thing: he is prayed for each and every day by many different people.  I tell him often that God has a purpose for leaving him here since he has narrowly escaped death countless times.  My only hope is that one day he will share his story of God’s grace in his life.

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